A Different Approach to Our Fears >>>
The projection of my own fears and emotions onto others through evaluations of them (with the implicit or explicit goal of protecting myself) can severely inhibit me from entering into deeper connection with them.
It also prevents me from authentically expressing any deep vulnerability in myself to others, which can tragically result in either a guessing game of “can you figure out what I’m really wanting without my telling you?” (99% of cases being in the negative), or a resentment against others or the world for apparently working against me instead of with me.
Furthermore, this projection through evaluations stimulates in me a genetically inherited but culturally exaggerated fight-or-flight survival response to non-survival situations with others. The results are general stress (where cortisol levels in the brain are left running on high to regulate us during perceived life-or-death instances, resulting in health deficiencies) or, in worse cases, traumatic bouts of violence to eliminate the perceived threat, such as through abuse, preemptive defensive tactics, and even war.
So as far as the vulnerability and empathy required for a deeper access to courageous being goes, the evaluations of “good,” “bad,” “right,” “wrong,” and any other stories I might tell myself of others that illustrates a goodness or badness in them, prevents me from engaging with them in a way that connects me with them through the expression of what’s really going on in me (let alone being understood for what would really make life more wonderful for me).
To this effect, I invite other ways of sitting with our frustrations and fears toward honest engagement with others and empathic connection to their humanity, via the way of courage we are born able to manifest.
Take-Away Questions
- How nice would it be to be able to request the things you want with an openness to hearing “no,” and without forsaking the quality or depth of connection with the other person? Can you imagine what that would look like for yourself?
- How do you tend to respond to conflict or confrontation in your life? Do you find yourself sometimes unwillingly giving in to demands, or do you tend to perceive a need to defend or stand up for yourself? How have either (or both) of these resulted in a less fulfilling experience than you would have liked?
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Peace to you!
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I guess would be as Kierkegaard (spelling?) an authentic person. He gives an example of an authentic person as: a man taking a walk before dinner. As he walks he thinks of his wife who is cooking him dinner. He envisions her making a pot roast with potatoes. He relishes the idea of the pot roast, since it is his favorite. He then returns home to find a meat loaf on the table for dinner. He sits down and eats the meat loaf with al the relish he would have had if it was pot roast and praises his wife’s cooking as if she had prepared pot roast. As an ‘Authentic Man’ his needs were met either way and there were no regrets.
OR
A man falls through thin ice on a lake. As he clings to life a crowd gathers. The crowd discusses what to do to save the man, going over many options. One man seeing the man in the lake grabs some rope rushes out on the lake and saves the drowning man. The saviour did not pause to think of his own safety or go over the best options, rather he acted.
I guess I would not spend so much time thinking of what my needs are but accepting the circumstances of the situation. Because the situation will almost always turn out OK, or perhaps give me a learning experience from which I can profit in some way. Or dictate the course of action necessary.
It is not that I don’t have needs but that when I am in a situation with other people I tend to think, for the most part, about their needs. After all, true love is about the other not the self.
Although this may not be the best way to look at things it is how I do so. And how I do , is usually the best Way of Being. Diverse Wanderer
Jim! Great to get a comment from you! 🙂
I’m curious where you read about that story in Kierkegaard — do you recall? I’m interpreting it as “being authentic is linked with having no regrets” (which I greatly disagree with), but I’m not certain that that’s what either you or he are trying to convey… Would you let me know what it is that you see in the way the man responds to his wife’s cooking as authentic (perhaps keeping in mind that when we’re talking about authenticity in NVC, we’re partly referring to the honesty in expressing what’s really coming up for us to someone else — to varying lengths)?
I also am hearing what you’re saying in the second story as that there are times when taking time to think/feel through things could result in disaster. I totally agree with this. How we (very) consciously program ourselves in non-life-threatening situations to respond, however, may very well affect how we end up responding in life-threatening situations; so while I believe in the power of unconscious responsiveness in situations when the time to respond with effectiveness to saving or serving life is short, there’s still a lot of in-between moments when the time for careful, conscious consideration may be more life-serving than instant (“less-mindful”) reactivity. And those mindful moments could very well enhance or change our inner programming for the better so that our unconscious-response moments are all the more effective or life-serving. How does this thought land in you?
Peace to you, my friend!
The little boy came down the stairs for breakfast and announced,
“I had two bad dreams and twenty-thirty good ones.”
“What were the good dreams about,” his father asked.
“Dragons” the little boy replied.
“And what were the bad dreams about?” his father asked.
“Dragons” the little boy replied.
I love this little anecdote, Howard ^_^ Would you be willing to explain just a bit for me why this came to you (I’m guessing while reading this post)?
Missing you guys — hope all’s well out there!